二上 void, Delightful
D7m01JrGRatibAvyZkEKU5pFzeuQdXcICPHh6wBS
UrXflFC4027ZBHsGeOoixzcK5vwDtNV3gY8nSJTA
I limitlessly, relentlessly play down, sinking into a state where I consciously drag myself down to the level that I'm not supposed to be, not my competency naturally sits and can perform the best, just like the mid-late high school year. Nevertheless, I'm happy and feel like I've never been so enriched with hopefulness and joy before. I know that I'm probably, from the appearance, not as competent, masterly, proficient, adroit, and accomplished as before, but I'm happier and more nerveless. I'm more relaxed, saggy, and not caring about literally anything. Sometimes I think I take myself too easy, but sometimes I think I deserve it all, and it's a gift sent from God that tells me to rest, not to persist in something too much. It's the unbounded downgrade of a standard), possessing the mood of being on vacation. Is that a good thing? Seeing myself dwindling with level falling downward but feeling unguilty, even delightful, simply not trying to strive my best and emit my whole effort, but feeling no remorse or regret while thinking it's all just a phase, "nothing lasts forever and it doesn't matter". Yes, the world and the environment where I'm in don't necessarily need all the capabilities that I have and the things I cared about before. But it's also okay to, anyway, use it and present it. But I don't, not because I cannot do it. It's totally not that I lose the ability to do those; it's just that I don't want to. Somehow my conception of facing things in every aspect of life changes, and I may not hold on to the specific things that I used to emphasize before, but it eventually shapes a behavioral circumstance and embodiment of laziness, shiftlessness, and unenlightenedness.
6XVQcOlPMgfByUW7rvS4x12LJbEiZdH8T0jqYzDK
ILQGOy5cu6rp7jKbHDez4sqVFmd0YTJUWCAShP9f
Still keep self-convincing that I take it to the next level, where ease and a simple way of thinking, expressing, and caring are better than putting 100% of your effort into everything that you want to perform well and achieving certain goals that actually have nothing to do with your ultimate result. I just got a glimpse of awareness that transferring my mind and letting things go are not the smartest way to handle it with an excellent strike, but the healthiest and naturalest.
UYul4z7fI1NZa6BwoxACDy2XFkeqhgmKnVbHJWiv
OnUG385AmzipPEgjZB7Ha4thS2901KWXwlForVuL
It's not that I have become lazier and lazier; neither can I do those things. It's hard to discover that there's an intangible force that turns me into thinking that I do not need to do those things. I'm not making excuses; I know where I am going and how.
pT6j5DC4byVUaJ0urwtMS8e7gisn2QHdXWEkBRlx
EaYWFgpi1ohrOSbye0wvsjJ2KMTtBk3uIlNcHXmn
Days rapidly and unconsciously passed; another shortcut to delightfulness, carefreeness, and happiness is there, paving the way in front of me. It has no difficulty to just step into the path and start walking towards that road end. But I'm still wandering, searching for something else, while the goal that I was supposed to choose is right here, and I just need to keep walking straight. I make it hard, complicating the whole thing. There is never a sense of contentment inside my heart, which at least it is seemingly, while the truth is that I don't want to just face it and confess that I'm happy in order to continue staying cool and "relevant". Is this the true me? When can I "release" myself and admit how I feel in the moment, in my deepest heart? I'm running into ecstasy.
Ht8ZowGSCa3K60c9LAjgXMUYsVFpykdRnq7BQONm
VcOXEjRJ4aqYnU03pvlxAyg6rSKBTzCQs9kH5fMd
It's another ennui. I skip and give up some (maybe a lot) to let myself be freer, easier, happier and simpler. But this inevitably led to boredom and vanity, which, I think is the side effect of trying to be easier and happier by throwing something to do away.
Cstmfk1eq8dBZy4A2jaSwox5InXQ0rMHJE39NGpl
Fv9ZPaQwVrxf4tyYHX3E6MIeolbABnWUjgGcJ0hp
Couldn't find any sense of belonging here, but I've gotten used to it. Countless times have I barged into a space where nothing I can relate to, but somehow, in the end, I can, anyway, adapt to it and perform decently well (from my perspective). I just got the ability to find my own peace by persuading myself that everyone is an individual and goes everywhere on our own in life, despite the circumstance that something imperative isn't going very well. What suddenly strikes my mind is that I realize I often focus and persist on something a little bit too much (even though I think I'm laid-back and relaxed), which probably leads to my "unique" stubbornness and obstinate nature.
XTyLmOsuIonUJNAxlBDqRabCe6zZY4P1WG3v8d2i
Laziness and idleness keep flowing in my mind, and they cannot be ousted. Something wild stimulated my desire to run free and not care about anything, while at the same time, another me shouted and said "Put your effort in and never relax". I'm simply in a dilemma. And whatever I choose to act like, I regret afterwards. A greedy mind that never gets content.
nKm2rQt3gpd4vi1BXzf7aTRuN6qcLEeOsjF89VUC
R2Y4QtJ7UoTpfWywB6r9On1I8Fv3V0KcaHj5dsSz
我發現整個階段過程我一直在扮演的是典型中的不典型，在體制內順從服膺指示命令，甚至表現得頗出色、偶而突出的優秀，本來可以一直這樣下去「演得好好的」，但心內卻有出走、自由、逃脫、乖離、脫韁、突破、顛覆、推翻的渴望與企求，以至於心中有兩個相反的力量不斷強力的拉扯、羈絆、衝突、矛盾。
RiA8VDCwKoqrye4JWTdOhMv9pa1EYXBQ7SsFxgUf
我將自己無限下修，自我要求的標準調低，適應於類舒適圈中的快意，吃老本的同時自我說服是在力求「精」、「質」而不是一味求「量」、「多」，接著就發現原來剛好達到標準線之上或擦邊入該領域的標準，是這麼簡單、可以多出許多時間的，原來以前我所處的場域之規定要求還比較多、繁複、不可能「輕易」做到。原來我現在處於的狀態，才是與我同齡的大家應有的、正常的，我以前活得太困難了。經常，人生的路，我倒著走。
JvpM8R9UmiIejoHY1rLszQhN5lbuqStW6VnfcG2K
CcPwzAaFQvkJjf4qeUrYNsWo2gnBOdZVHIE9K0Mm
回應(0)