上 Ennui, bittersweet
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How can I escape from this isolated ennui from the unwillingness of being a misfit ?
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How can I leave this cold-hearted place full of bewilderment that only can be described as bittersweet ?
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Fear of being awkward, committing mistakes
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Again and again
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Afraid of being the spotlight, lagging behind on the lane
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Can I survive the race
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I have tons of words wanting to say, but I have no one to talk to.
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Somehow I forgot how to act appropriately, decisively, gracefully, and socializationally
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Can you see through my heart flow?
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Dare you not realise that I'm working so hard?
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I have goals, desires, worries, anticipation
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How I hope desperately that I can press fast button forward and see through my future, my life actually, in one minute
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Debris - Top failure
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Winter - distressed
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下 Remorse, deliberate
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I don't feel any sense of belonging at any time
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Even though I want to perform well (best maybe)
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I regret and flinch back
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And I perform decently
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To meet the basic standard
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After that (often when I am alone)
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I regret again
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For how I didn't comprehensively exhibit my ability and showcase the process of my 'unique' way of thinking
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And begin looking forward for the next time
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Until the desire fades
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And then I shrink back when I, again, think of others' thoughts and feelings
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And perform decently
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Not present myself totally (and well)
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That's how the battle (war sometimes) functioning in my heart
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