我將事情的來龍去脈告知了爹娘,爹爹聞言只激動得站起身,張了張口欲言又止,半晌後他看向了娘又看向了我,低頭嘆息。
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“…顧氏之福因妳,顧氏之禍由妳,我苦命的孩子啊。”
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再後來,爹爹便說起了當年的故事。
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曇陽城中上至文武下至幼童皆知,聖上與皇后相偕十數載,情深多年,哪怕後宮新人輩出,陛下子女成群,卻仍獨寵皇后與其所出,只嘆這宸太子生來就是個病秧子,不僅多病纏身,藥石無醫,甚至亦有江湖術士斷言其無入主東宮之命,就連能不能活過成年也未可知。
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當年聖上因此雷霆震怒,皇后日日以淚洗面,直至有女出生,雲興霞蔚,百鳥朝鳳,欽天鑑院史告訴聖上,此女獨具鳳命,必將母儀天下,若能許之以太子,恰成天命之所歸。
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鳳女坐城西,而城西只一家獨大,是為我顧氏。於是就為的如此荒唐一句「鳳女可興天龍之命」,聖上縱我不羈,皇后寵我入骨,顧氏舉族富貴榮華,唯有我顧氏輕嵐徹頭徹尾,成了宮牆內心照不宣的笑話。
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我忘了自己當時是如何走出顧府的,只知回到宮中便大病了一場,接下來小半個月的時間裡,我誰也不願見,光是看到每日為我忙進忙出的太醫、悉心照料的婢子,以及那不斷送來的名貴的藥材和討姑娘家開心的若干小物,就已讓我覺得備感噁心。
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原來曾幾何時,我這個曇陽首富顧氏的掌上明珠,宮裡待遇比之公主格格們有過之而無不及的準太子妃,只是確保他們的寶貝疙瘩,能順利登上皇位的一張保命符罷了。
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我輕笑。
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要說真心,帝王家,又怎會有真心?
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“卿卿,妳還是不願見我嗎?”
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白衣翩然而至,太子殿下誰又真的敢攔,我緩緩從床榻上起身,依舊慘白的臉上因為他的突然到來而染上急躁的紅暈,卻只是低眉向他盈盈一拜,一瞬不瞬地盯著地面。
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“輕嵐見過太子殿下。”
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“太…太子殿下?”他聞言明顯一愣,忙又朝我近了一步,“卿卿,自妳回顧府,我這心頭便始終覺得難安,好不容易將妳盼回,卻又得知妳將自己給關了起來,這一關便是將近一月之久,若誰惹妳不快了,妳大可與我一說,何苦拿自己的身體置氣,把自己折騰成這般模樣?”
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“太子殿下說笑了,輕嵐無事。輕嵐既得聖上與娘娘厚愛,這滿宮上下,誰又敢輕易來找我的不快?”
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“卿卿這般態度,也能叫做無事?”他像是被氣笑了一般,儘管說話聲依舊輕柔,卻能叫人從中聽出一絲氣惱,見我始終不願抬眼看他,他抿唇片刻,輕輕嘆息。
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我無須瞧便大抵能猜出他那難掩落寞的神情,最後也都只化作無奈苦笑。
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“卿卿,無論發生何事,我只是想讓妳知道,我們都希望妳快樂。”
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“…”
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“可是,是你們毀了我的。”我忍不住輕聲開口,“是你們,讓我的快樂都成了笑話。慕宸哥哥,你亦有份,又該要我如何原諒?”
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“我?卿卿此言何意?”
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“當時小慕夷在九黎所說的話,你我分明都聽得一清二楚,慕宸哥哥始終三緘其口,莫非是被戳中了心思,當真在害怕什麼嗎?”
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“…符命之說,妳都知道了?”他眉心緊蹙,“是慕夷告訴妳的?”
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“…你果然也知情。”像是最後一口氣被抽乾一般,我自嘲苦笑,“如此,誰同我說的,還有那麼重要嗎?”
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“卿卿,那日我雖是不願與妳言說,可此事卻也並非妳所想像的那樣。”慕宸哥哥輕嘆,“慕夷當日所言,我的確知情,但卻也只是早前不久無意間聽得母后身邊的嬤嬤們說起方得知。何況卿卿與我相熟多年,亦應曉得,我從不信命。”
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“既未曾輕信半字,也不願看妳為此傷心,自當緘口不言。”
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“太子殿下。”
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我開口打斷了他,“大是大非面前,多說無益,殿下既覺得自己沒錯,輕嵐也自是不敢隨意置喙的,就當沒錯吧。”我鼻尖一酸,擔心在他面前落淚出丑,只能硬生生別過頭去,“錯的是輕嵐,便不配擁有這樣的「好命」。”
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“嬤嬤們說,鳳女高貴,與卿卿又如何不配?”慕宸哥哥邁了一步,仍是止乎禮義,朝我遞來一方帕子,甫又說道,“卿卿本該是這世間最為好命的女子。”
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“可我不稀罕做什麼鳳女,誰愛做,儘管做去便是。”
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我扯過怕子揉於掌心,在拭淚前瞧了一眼,然只此一眼,卻頓時止住了淚,一時間無言以對。
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這繡帕上的蘭花株針腳紊亂,帕角處且繡有一歪扭的「卿」字,不正是我從前所繡,而後被他要了去的那塊嗎?
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這方「卿」、「蘭」,虧他能如此坦然地拿出來,此等私相授受之物,縱然我倆婚約在身,可要被哪個不長眼的看到又傳了出去,他這清風朗月般的形象盡除不說,我還不得被傳成什麼不知羞的禍國妖女嗎?“殿下是嫌這太子之位坐得太舒服了,偏要給自己添堵麼?”我顧不上再擦什麼淚,只是著急忙慌地將那手帕塞回他手裡,一直冷著的表情卻還是忍不住鬆了鬆。
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說到底我其實也並不怨慕宸哥哥,只是那時的我也才十四歲啊,我會彆扭,會委屈,會想向他置氣,只因我惱他氣他,並非單是責怪他的欺瞞,而是因為我不願接受過往種種,皆非我顧輕嵐所得,僅僅只因那符命之說,只因我是鳳女罷了。
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“鳳女是誰都行,卿卿卻非妳不可。”
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“卿卿既不願做鳳女,那我做這太子,想來也是乏味。”
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“誰愛做儘管做去便是。”
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他一字一句,說到最後更是學著我的語氣,把自己給逗得不亦樂乎,而我頓住,終是抬眼看他。
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“可天命說我是,生來便是,無人問過我要不要的。”
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我放棄掙扎,乾脆地讓淚順著臉龐滑下,“慕宸哥哥不也是嗎?身在這一人之下萬人之上的高位,哪裡又能是你說不要便可以不要的?”
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