在我祖母時添置的榆木褐色古典桌子上擺了一張紙,
oIDcyOeRr0mF4tikuY1dglh3VBq6jWNvTUszC2Xf
s8WO4uJynmEGiFqoPNRU7B35S9KxkpdXrhfaIMDL
上面是僅有[我走了,還有抱歉]七個字而已,
vLsCRErgPIpzNiFjKXmyUSGbBWt53QAZY198uVeD
3sBGRf6ZIAiQ5xKXHeMJ74FtnwbDNcL9Oh80TvkU
也許看到旁邊已經拆封的安眠藥,一盒裡所剩無幾,
TPwoJ1cSfBbGCtI2mQRVza6hgAMuY4x30leLj9dH
YeWylbzdwB6asD78fG0jo4XpICLZuqxiQVO935E2
和一地的玻璃碎片及散開的水漬,浸濕了地毯,
6BJr8jL51d2vupGKZDaRSCY49EMxfFPmNbQckwW3
jXFyM5URKohfxi08uv7QZ2dH9n4zagbcJOmsLN3r
也許我就該明白發生了什麼,
ZcqkNOjB0ztr93SEwxsWaUveY2mTQG56oHughbXi
oHXN0pDtukY4afjBT9IKWgEmCFJS27lsd6zqRvPh
轉頭看向我旁邊的同樣是榆木材質的床榻上,
lZ2AjgtoSazN8UM7rWX4I35qVYBLkHQ19xmOdRTJ
qfUrSWsKzZlMce9GkdFNoDIYXtayJC8TR3bEAvwi
是你,我走到床邊,沿著床沿坐下,
D6pQCJcO5NRSbwPHAitBxghrnqKXv3daYEflzsWm
GutkPVjS7pxvKBl3UrwTWaFbdeLR6mZQ581IJYis
一陣酸楚襲來掠過鼻尖,不由自主的抽噎,吞了口口水,
0VvgkZh4538YXpsPlCdHoezfJ9rMIqBj1QiRwEun
WbxGwE4ohkltdfH2Mqv5UV687zOSD0CYsyRZj1In
低下頭,升起的水氣被藏起來,擋在垂下的眼皮下,
kUWSerLG4nFgA16YXEiQRluI5djT0yavc8HhNsmb
GXMtDxaJN46k0HWlK7hoEdqm8OwbscuTijYV3Irn
內心像是被挖走了一塊,感覺有點空空的,
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9Z0Cl5pFs7eOYXUozkmiJLvVAcqMbyPNGHxWQtwd
像少了點什麼,還有點喘不過氣,像要窒息一樣,
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5Bm8Oc3KbtYlLfsdnQrWEzHCFiq9gRPovSDI1uXe
雙眼被眼底的霧氣模糊了視線,
8y4RECBIHvW9hFfK3ecu7PMANVZobYD0TJmlw6iG
kUVxcKtdCuvqjiQbHwY86L7DWJNmlsG0hT4pRyrg
張嘴無法控制的開開合合,像是要說些什麼卻又發不出聲音,
of5b7OVsiSLBF6RHTcxYkr2wQGnNqhDJzpE9Z3l1
PEvxRWXOIMou4AJN8qh5cBg36sm120YwVbeDCSFl
連牙齒都止不住得發顫,
lU78XFbmK3cqg6BPdSJyGYswe1zW0xpoEHOQLvaT
2x7C4wPWUJ3gfF8DbqVXZsKmt1rnMkBSL0Y5dHe9
試圖把眼闔上,閉上像是就不會哭出來,
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mIqMeQKsfLXnav5WFBZNAy1rUwRHVkh7b9DPo24g
淚水就不會滿溢而出,可以把它們鎖在眼眶裡,
sRVGqQBIwrN4yziJY8mc5T7gZEdvHxkMKPCnheSp
ZECphtRIJFLP8K7BWSATqHm16znxok3jNsfa9YQO
可水氣終究充盈潤濕了眼眶,
ibSn36pKE7JlkAGLwBafoUTWzI4Q0DesMjRu8Ord
Ot1u0Fmgq6532dExeBj7UNCfKRriYHoAVTvby8IS
眨了眨眼,眼角的晶瑩,
1EhWKBiVbwAZ2napQoTXRLt3frNC78yU6HlxMDkc
fWz0HKyxwSaAB7p5iTGt3Zm9ONdu24EnXrVvsQUb
恍若清晨凝結的朝露剔透得像是沒有一滴雜質的淚珠,
o3LDlwT96IzQNbtYCA0HjsOGyeWri71xBFvS5ZMP
j2IrTdpagYkKofxN9m5HR8XDqlQ3MGu6BcvZSPeh
隨著睫毛的上下擺動,滑落了下來流進了嘴裡,
d34qbFMBWHRCN7uOVxwgDfpXGvlmjkSLnA1osiIr
iMZwCclOy0XBz5s1V2jS8Qbde4D7PkYRGtmHq69n
鹹鹹又有一點澀澀的,
zMRZvBFa2krDGAdis4UCx5m7EPO0XNq6h8K1gIfH
p2h3Hlx6tizyJq4dBSLME8k5Y01mgDr9QOVoRwCc
「連你也要走嗎?留下我一個人,
YlekUt49SxBC3p8DwM0VaThbz6mcsGvHRQNIZKPn
RXZxcu3wAk0hGHP7NfiCmVjDLWrgyBeMYKTIvsa9
李白的詩有一段是:醉臥沙場君莫笑,古來征戰幾人回,
GgR4Xzux52nJePrv0cKmaoTMhy3V1FfiEZk6UCSD
S4C7Yi0lczRmnBPrM3dtjWOITDsXqAGHN2F6aZb1
我曾經很喜歡詩中的字詞透露出那種不顧世俗眼光的瀟灑,
uEVMikoq5zRN9P3DhbQXKOjg04IZnGr8aBxtdHeF
ZHEg61SNAh5JLjGVf3k7XpzO2y4tBQswYMIdqCFr
也想變成那樣,
tCaOgUADZGTKwY2csreVWXMnhk38vbp4i5Emjzd7
63j2iSCKvXpYhG1gl9EwdxutyBIRbzTcZrqaeomP
可到如今我知道不可能了,我不可能學得來那種灑脫,
NwPoMOhVytQsfuEgrT5mi73KZdJ6blv104kWpa2C
XxrG51vNZUoQ8Ec3Vfg7WOp2tATzISl94sqDB6yu
所以只剩下羨慕了,之只因為還沒辦法放下你。」
m1Oo7Lv824xGtuRWD3lc9ZpdVAPn0NUEHQFrgSTh
XnHKiGblcTfawStvUMosBAyWrV0I5Qd62zJ8D1Lx
一手執起身邊人的手,令一手細細的仔細的一便遍又一遍的來回描摹著手心的紋路,
QT8hmBv7w1MgaVWdHGjczXN3AkiC9PotDLZxuesR
DhKqLJfOWSC10sE46ireczu3QyaPd5ToXk8BNlRU
把手放到唇邊吸允沾在上頭的血腥,讓赤色離開那潔白如玉的肌膚,
n3xi0mPKfqdajBv1kIZQYEW7prOXwAzLRbDCt8lN
y6geB7oLDMtGa4ROWPCNs3FT9EdwAxl1Iqfrcbui
輕輕舔拭去上頭的朱紅,輕的像怕弄痛他一樣,
0YDGoQh93VezCbIJrpcjFaMf5qukvZER8ALy4Tgs
YyZpXhxmSIDMNdwUOnilEAKjRvGsFft75roq1T9a
明明他應該不會痛了,
IK6DgjVGWQ3d1O2fYPcAJBUbiNz5xLlkM4phXSr8
OyWPbzdpaJZcxo8st3U6D20nFk1LurRwv7jmEGhQ
願執子之手,一生一世一雙人,不離不棄到白首,好像有人說過這段話,
nthroBMOqbe3fjHRQXcsPFa0m9KVxiwyvI4E7WAu
DMxmSbGq3EohTaBI4gfeQnRd6Kz0vs5j8WCu9lp1
現在倒是成了一生一世獨一人,孑然一身到身亡,
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5CU4hwkG6riqXud0E8TayRbKJFp9ZQLYe1VngH7t
試圖在嘴角勾起一點弧度,可是怎麼都無法笑出來,
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P0z9LlWVtOUsRIuv1EKq7kr2Djbo4A6pwfGS3HiM
不,這種程度那連弧度都算不上吧,滑落的淚珠滴到底你的臉龐,
fEpDVQwZiKkNGaYCeg2HsAroU0uSJ6jRWzvLBmnl
xqCYNnPc5bT2J3gs6W8jrwDfO94HaoFiZEBMzhKd
你的睫毛似乎動了下,不,應該是我的錯覺吧,
7B1zLVNm09aKt34wHfAQ5FPZYeTWqvbyScIOCx6J
k2b8Fyg9nDzK0e4sRAtI1P6JVxOHTBN7Xq3ZUQLp
你不會動了不是嗎,
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突然下一刻你睜開了眼睛,我還在於做夢嗎,你不是死了嗎?
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我的手撫上你的臉頰,像是要確認你的存在一樣,
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VbPln6HAZBYxmMcwQ7f8SUXho4ekK1OrCR0JiTqF
等看到你睜開眼睛後,我就要把我的手收回,
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別過頭起身準備要離開,
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QweAsb1YzSE2FGOtUxWvifNTrocR9ujHCVZ8dX34
結果你卻緊緊的握住我要離開的手,還用力一扯讓我帶跌入你的懷裡,
IixaQVs79KMbGovdCh06AycRTuWYnf5eDX3H8ZN2
WBewH6vZrRNd3L4IbCzynYQ28TOVKugAG51P9mlM
嘶,好痛,你兩手環住我的腰際,下巴抵住我的頭,
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你不斷的加緊環在腰間的力道,
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oWaXVJzgIQ1i04h6PH7cTyn9AMfjdZ3YRN58bpkw
啊,對了,安眠藥是因人而異,
zq4ySsg2wQMvJjVTutNFH9PhBUf1xAGOl08n6dik
Yb9eunyJShA6ErN1itQx3IKTRMUqV8gmas4OpHCv
不過一般大約要一次嗑兩百顆才會死,
hxG2afILtubJzjCciWNMvKpy5YsFq1XVBAwTRdSH
fl3aVxtd8FHCb1yMXKgW7Uo96PuqEDsJBzApGk4O
一個玻璃杯的水根本不夠吞兩百顆,應該是剛剛太慌了,
IPaEWuSG8kgcXpmRw79bq4nUYL5yBh63r2jKoTxA
ZKxQXDBd52e7VJcfimaFWGNhw9nqMCsg4oITltU0
唔,現在想這個好像有點怪怪的,
SnbhHTO41cpUXmz5uDrsRCE8A72gNyFWodfZq6vQ
rleKu2HDY8xfqZitWs5QRo7XdVIvkP6MTbzG9Egn
在這樣的人事地點,
Obe7lfzQRGo0DqEYWsmhtICpMdF2JurVKXaSAk9n
Ve79CjavlQKbztcEA6Zdnhfx1pRUq8IFGouXHYSL
在你的旁邊,轉身離開時被你抱住,在你的懷中,
4VPlBd5RXeqbgYHSiC3O71AZfr9FMnsELv2UtIDJ
1w2JdoUpWv8Acn7grCbKQBhs0ZaFETRNMtyLSefi
在我耳邊用低沉的嗓音說:你還是在乎我的,對吧?
c4CLVEJkatu7nXUSMRZO6AqGh5fyrz80wDBbp2ix
awHDgLNIUBGPVjrSkQF0h8stClME4viYWfuKZm6z
我只淡淡的回道:不,沒有,你想多了,你需要冷靜一下。
83XJgv9bhWKZe7HNaQrT2kqscjCwUp1BDdntu604
8K7Xeh4P6Tyu1arfdmL5SxinNZvHgCEtlq2AkJsY
不過,終究是沒有推開你,
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RGTI1rcnKSUgBMtYfvLC7o2JxedOiWZ8s0VFbazy
其實說得的越肯定而事實越是背道而馳,其實我還愛你,
s37FIanjrXKz1QS0Aq8REflbUdJ6txiLWkNhwpVy
Pp5qlCG4uXJcUdRo3kmzMOagV728irEsTF9jfItQ
但還是有氣音從嘴邊漏了出去,說著有過,
24xB1wgUeDGaSkvhEzM6psI0HFfCcnPR93K5XYiA
I670cfxyGjprTAzsoa2BO41Cu5WqFgD3JkUV8eNl
其實我只是累了,不想繼續下去,連掙扎也懶,
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IhKdVwPWyFYN0i73UsqMmOpJl5GbgjRtuTo9xXfa
不想繼續讓這份情感繼續在心中蔓延,
UWt7OLlYamxVyzqITDn4Nu0dRHJ3Q8kKEC5GrpZf
sBfnSEOGCoRzd78HqapD6YrAu9yltJ1WZLVvPhN2
也許從一開始出現苗頭,就該掐熄掉,
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aHMtwP3p56jz8eWn4dRBKVx2imXr9v0oNb1flQLh
不要放任它蔓延,就不會像飛蛾撲火一樣,
0DQuSUMb8e3gEnAZqVOvJjfixIyhP6RNYsBacC5z
GXZiFWBoaTdU7S2k85twrsMhJE3bvfKYgyRjpQVu
不知道絢爛的火光是會致命的,被它吸引,
h2i6ZM9JRfm7twIO4ljCDSpqNEWHU1ePKQr0Yaok
4N5ZjOmpIaP376AlYKwUMqWHVzsyhQ8ivSkTEBX0
靠近後蟬翼被燒燬,化成飛灰,散落在空氣中,
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GZoAjHRnPqQ2Lwzgv3edM6FrIXUc8ETJyS0asiO1
也不會從飛翔的天空掉落,
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ZDXpsJTBCufYgjOi7zxQVkIbP48FE2U6KALWNSnR
被焚燒、灼熱的疼痛就不會爬上全身,
T3R9B1KVCnw0f6cyEqHPtspL4JeUojY5ziFNrXgh
G7kuRCyIhpdDjZKszn4ra8iAgLmU296l15WMbo30
感受自己逐漸的消失,如果沒有放任它,就不會被灼傷,
QYGbNJE6HPKxMUho8C5qlSpAzL9Ika7Bd1tnj3Rv
5Ros1qTiH3bzCyGAvYjhIkFdVSBLcQZ8ePEwx0fD
看向你,你聽到我說的話後露出了悲傷的表情,
oAIPtHYsvjNC8rUWEb19yc2VF3xfJeGOd6ZaQzu7
PXI51UEq4ymgeJ3ndRYp9QL2lv8wDbaTxcNr7isG
隨後是以一個略帶淒涼的笑容問:你有愛過我嗎?
BX4FVanebgJADcp0MYTyvGKUQq5d3rOjkufol92w
brZwQqLlDX3sf7cj6iEn5KoU2OYtkW9vdyJVaMF0
我說:兩個人相愛的機率只有0.000049。
nZHMT60W9oRsvhuBGed52ClXYk8gKFLfAbyIOQtz
QwzX6BIY5hPfbFWUkKCRNZHvcx8A7OntuEqlSjL9
你遮住耳朵大聲喊:我不管,我不管,我才不管那天殺的機率有多低,
unxQqaIkWKCbSVG1FyrJD4Mfojhtm2H3OBY7ldgL
不要管他了好嗎!
iveoMBx7I2V04XZQf3qAclFGjWsLhgRHm8td9urP
cDXzafUEHILqVZ3QYJgFwh507lTuN2WxSesCkmvj
你把我壓倒在床上,
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Y4FzBVZWoD5xhdmR9n2kJiPHXA3bluy0MsScTKEN
然後俯下身往脖子鎖骨處吻去,
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COpjArJaun6EiUsScNk4yGLxWw9vtXZ0bP8QY35K
雙手往下解開我襯衫的扣子,近乎虔誠的往下親吻著,
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fT8pPuHkB3CDLS7JyFhm5jnVQsOaAxlKq2NUZdYe
在吻去的同時引起我些微的顫慄,下意識的微側開了頭,
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g0vUIFnQs1eymY57ZtLXHd2OxzuWlckAqbEKaJDh
落下一個又一個輕柔的吻伴隨著顫抖,
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似乎在怕我拒絕,怕我推開你的小心翼翼的試探,
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VgZEfzCavud7QwFIj2KN0pJobAYB5S9krhsmtlqU
用染了酒氣的舌尖朝口中襲去,
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3awVCqU1Jn6PWZIlfyMLteiTm7H0pF2dx5Gz9uX4
在嘴裡不斷的掠奪著攻城掠池,掠過每個角落,
IShcDT7eGOuyqRi8NEfBUjW6YCXzgPH2pKZblt0a
vkDNdsSqxLXCWTK2QOJ6VbjBYyz7iHPfEAmuMlZ4
纏繞的酒氣將我吻到近乎昏頭轉向覺得飄飄然的,有點暈乎乎的,
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khx28DE0n4Q3VH6PYWSs5cLeGbzaKvON1mMyTdu9
離去時舌勾出了曖昧的銀線,
jZvQ0b5o2KwDLpViBPTe3YyHn4MShEOUWFtaINgR
cvCQVxd21T8ipruX9PSIaF4bzGDoKYZNljs7OMWh
手在下方不斷的遊走,僅管得不到回應,
KuqcdN9bJaGXFo1HDng7OLxRTSitm0zW8lAYhyQV
sGk89KlcgMTLDpRhUan0PwmjNqxX7YSzIO64JeCE
我記得曾經在書上看到男的似乎會做這種事來掩飾脆弱的樣子,好像吧?
ySgjOTwKvNeLJxPHQ8V10k6lEAzYsm59oCrib4dq
HhKFqOy3ort1pbCXlMAUaGVJzv0IQBgRcEdTNjns
是缺乏安全感嗎?
Os13tkInxVJpTwicNlPDQmRbrfFeqjLA5XzWh60K
sabNqx7hT1U6vtQjnRWoLfegzyOGPMXKc5mJkuYC
唔,算了,隨便你,
Rj6w804D7Ity9kMpmzS2YboWXs5VOxZJLTUQHfFi
IaysgpVn4N1ZxSrbf7YKUzeOqu9hmLvtkdBJDTjP
你有安全感的話應該就不會吃那麼多藥了吧,
LmhDAGBfHpYSzM71FVg9eaJ0Rj63q8OKPTWlydEn
0Yb1RDAdKXfwMuqFWm9oTGS3liJenLt4vIrCzQk7
吃太多藥對身體不太好,
uBTENyF3d0MXHg5hm7Yk1QtI49SWZv2VfnaCeLbz
KPUZ3LfqwjO2V0gQriImoazyb5Ru7plhJBxAsDMY
剛剛一時忘記你好像從來這裡住開始,
3bcTYkA2mOxCSNn61soL4UKuJPQM9Ry0lEVvrzB7
F5kPpdaEXGlAjsrfuVoBhb4DIR7Tqce2y0SwZ3Ct
好像每晚都會服用安眠藥的樣子,剛剛應該是你懶得收或忘記吧~
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然後這次量吞比較多顆就直接睡著了,手中的玻璃杯就掉下去了,
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然後碎掉的那一刻劃破你的手,
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這樣吧…
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你滑出了眼眶的淚,不住的滴落,打濕了我身上襯衫,
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伸出手拂上你臉龐,想要你拭去眼角上的淚滴,
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意識到自己的動作後,馬上收回了手,你卻在我收手前把頭靠在我的肩上,
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都能感受到你的不住顫抖,聽到你的呼吸,是如此的凌亂,
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抱著我的手從指尖傳遞了你的不安,
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是如此的用力,彷彿一鬆手,我就會跑走,
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口中不斷的唸著:別走好嗎?你的話語在耳邊一遍又一遍的復誦著,
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彷彿只要一直唸下去我就不會離開。
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