I find out his first name is handsome,I am so happy,my teacher if you like me to learn French,I will go to class for you,but just can't find a tutor like you,you tell me when you study in France,you meet a metro accident and house on fire,that is fun,I like to listen to you,I won't doubt you say you always walking on the left side of the river,there is a bridge between two side,I just so wish I can be with you at that time,I am a girl fond of day dreaming,my darling,I know you like to be alone,but is it really your wish,or let me be with you,whisper things you want to hear,I know it might be my last fantasy,because I have left my last man,from now on I don't care if I chase love in hand or not,I change a soul to be absent from any love affairs,I am your love bound I know,if you don't like,I can let you go,but before that,I want to have you in my bed dream,because I am so afraid of darkness and nightmare,it's you who wipe away my bad dreams,I will thank you for your nice to me. Can we be each other's best friend?I have a honey moon that is what I like very much,I know you are a decent and gentle man,I will have a good plan to go back to what I am just like before,to make you happy seeing my beautiful face,and I will go on reading new knowledge,to prevent you forget what I have read as I do.
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last night he tell me a secret that his gay sex is bought by people who are rich,i am so jealous that i cant get up from bed to do something,i sleep all day long,then i get his email,his name is john gao,i hope i am not going too deep to have a fake marriage with him by oral vow.i think i am too naive,maybe he got the power by bitten me,knock me down on my literature career,because he is talking nonesense that makes me messy thinking,i know he maybe experience a good study time in france,with famous teacher and excellent class mates,i should not imagine the truth is wrongly made,but first of all,i would like to email him for n wish to get rturn letters,for i scold him is a gay,i really have nothing to lose.38
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last night i draem about china government try to sign my contract to publish my all works of english version,when i see a germany envaster talk to me face to face,he ask me about all my boyfriends,i tell him they are all ghost fans,then he feel scared and run away.39
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today i feel not so well,because of my teacher is a gay,it is truth that he earn the sex money for his parents to spend,i feel so shameful,and i would not like to talk to him qny more.i dont want his dirty money either,i will spend my life all alone,forget about andre and john,they are just look like white face but has no indeed powerful thought.40
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i say judan judan to him,he looks happy,but after huging and kissing,i dream of a tarot god that he has a crystal head and a single huge eye in it,she give me fortune telling to me four times,and i want to get away,so i drink wine with the people out there the small temple,then i ask where is the bus to the airport,she wont tell me,and also refuse to drive me there.41
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the next day,i dream about high school literature salon at a house,it looks like school,the students are happy celebrate the art work expression activity,i feel glad that my books are thickly published in the book shelf,i feel so prode but the president of the school feel very angry,she point my caligraphic words as messive writing,i just laugh and pretending unseen.i wake up with a desire to pee,and all people hear that and rush away,so funny.42
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the night dream today morning,is the marriage in bed with him,he is not named john,j and h is his name title pronounce,i know it and then i call his name when he is on the top of me,i love him hug me with a brown cotton dress of enland square design,i know he is trying to tell me that i am possible to be barthe's only one girlfriend in secret,now so many woman runing in front of me showing jealousy anger to me,i run and hide,and then i am back to huis arms,he ask me what's going on,i tell him all about,he smiled at me.43
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i have a sleeping wedding with my teacher,and this is a silent permission,but soon i find out he has a bad temper that he slamp at my face in the air,i try to let him calm down,because who can control the dream out of control,and to explain to him is also sinful,a strange man kiss me while he play a nudity jumping perfomance of mine in the bus,i push him away,i am a popular writer that everybody want a piece of me,i am so afraid,but the enemy party shoot at me in the night street,i get no bullet,it is so close that i almost get shot,my teacher tell me it is because we both are green party,so i understand why that we are so suitable for each other.44
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my teacher can speak the same many language as me,taiwanese,english,franch,japanese,and chinese,but he does not like use taiwanese because he feel uncivilizied in talking,so i just talk secret with him by taiwanese and english that my extra never understand a bit,he is a fool that ask me back for money,i dont care about my extra because he never admit my position at his home,he just has a sense of chinese intellectural prode that it seems i cant compare with him and to pitch with him,that is why i say he is idet in the way he act.45
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i walk with my teacher on the street and we hold hands,we sit on the brench watching people going on their road,do anything they proceed,my teacher not aloow me to write the sentence in the novel,such as i provoke a gay,or i envoke a gay,i can only write i devoke a gay,that is so interesting,my dear husband,i dont know where is our ending,but i respect you and your wish,i devoke a gay and that man is you,is that right?46
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but today noon i sleep to rest for a while,he came into my dream and say he has no class today,and he make me do sex with him,he touch my hair and rub my virgina,with gentle stick show in front of me,i blow job for it,and we making love out of nothing at all,he is always talking about see my mother to appeal wedding of us,but my mother still no one in her eyesight,the poor bride is me that will never get marriaged,i am so in love but in vain.i try to say good about him to my mother,but she just want me to marry a rich guy.47
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but then i doubt if the teacher is quite leasure,he has a lot of time to spend with me but he would not like to,he is afraid of me being taken away by andre,so he hold me tight,so much love i can feel,he is really loving me,to him i am like a princess,but to andre i am a psyco,i shouldnt sent him so many gifts that he blame me cheating on him,i did not tend to.48
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yesterday he is like floating boat on my body,now is near morning,he dont know where i dream on,so he fuck me quickly like a hard stick,i ask him why he do so,he tell me last night i just go to sleep in my dream that he cant control,i dream about sisterhood playing on the house,it is so naive,he is happy with that reason,so he wish me good supper.49
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while i am dreaming about the package i am collecting,i see the sky has a black hole,i watch it wheeling like a thunder rain,and i go to the foreign and some girls talk to me remember to go to church,i walk along the port meat spreading road,and i drink four hundred of two green juice,one is for a woman who follow me,i walk through the car broken and sinking in the road,and we also go to the book shop to see my books on the billboard number,she dislike my book and go away,i go to the night church,while every one is so selfish dont care about if i have a seat to sit,but when i see the meal service over there,i want to approach in but unfortranately i wake up,and my eating desire is still remain when i think of this.50
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i wait for my teacher to give me a email,i write down a sentence of 'if i know you were gay i will never write these poem for you',and he ask me why,i cheat on him that'if you are my lover i will write down these poem for you',between commade and lover,we seem not any more getting together,because i refuse to get a illusionary hearing illness,i had enough.51
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i just dont want to be alone.52
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in my sleep,i walk alone,till morning come,my mother cook rice noodles for me,and then she go out to produce paper flowers for religious ceremony,i say i want to fellow,she say that i dont report forehead,so i cant go with her,i drink milk shake that my sister bring to me,i still very sad thati let my teacher go,for i cant make a proffesser love me for so sure.53
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my teacher to me,is like a swift breeze of wind on my body,it is so soft that i cant describe,he is like a gentle prince in literature and graphic,the essence is always so neat and clean,he tell me he love to wash his secret place,and so i taste it and feel it is so clean,my teacher hear i will go to his school to travel for a few days,he is nerveous that he say his school is very large,i probably dont know how to get to his adormitary,i feel happy again,he is reaaly care about me,and i like to say things to shock him,and he is totally a sweet sugar to me,i will chase him back,because last night he say he just want to leave me alone to testify my feeling,i feel sleep without him is so much torture,my headache because lack of his love,i feel dizzy.54
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after i check his website i know that he is named juhi,as his taiwanese name,i find out all his achivememts on the list,and i feel i will ruin his career,so i kind of wanna let go of his hand,but i think maybe i pick up all these knowledge back in my head,i will get all of his loving,so i try to study what is psycho analyze,and i want to do reaserch on some poetry writers,first of all,i should email my teacher 'what is the main point of psyco analyze'.55
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my teacher want money,but i dont know what he want to do with money,as to me,i need to run away from taiwan before china goverment come,he promise to take me with him to go french,but i dont trust him,we are just two souls speaking in the air,he havent answer my email,but he do change his abbriviation into juhi,which i like to explore him by this way,it response his good impression to me,but i think he maybe escape from me sending constant emails to him,so i never send any letter no more,all i want to say are all in this book.i dont care if he see this or not,i just want to fill my life with my centralism love feeling.56
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i want to ask him what does he feel about fake achademy report,ask how he go to the class with a powerpoint disk in his pocket,carry his papers of invisible UBS all around the campus,i think he just do as other teachers do,and then i want to ask how he score like excellent expert student in france,if he ever make french friends with his classmates,all i want to ask is locked by a key of his mouth,i wanna know if he need to be psyco analysis before he analyze others,i want to analyze him by a title of a high class scholar who is easily getting rude on his erective female,that is me,he tell me that he always erect when he see me,i have to make sure of his affermation about this explaination,to make clear if he love me by heart and soul,not by any sudden apluse that can resonized.57
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he study fauclt,and many more book i have read by chinese version,but he go on his body without organ life,i spent my fancy novel sexism dream,i will concentrate on finding a kind of reading pleasure i love to show how i like indevidural life as usual and as before,i wont ever change my goal to success my writing,but right now i am stuck in a book about marx in the alley and lane,i never read marx before,right now just face it,and remember all the damn shit theory i know to preach the new comer in the society,to prove all their words and report are bullshit,we dont need no educationized jouralist or words worker to break down the rule of pure conscious about history fore and back,i doubt that marx will attack our taiwan soon years after,i am now in 2099,so i can tell you that the world is stll so slow in civilization,i see the love is not being analyzed wll be a symbol of falling of civilization.58
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my teacher,may i call you as the only one name in the world,for i am so scared at you,and i am in another way so respected to you,i want to tell you that i can live in a world without lie,i just cant pretend that i have no love,your life has all been in the foreum,and thesis writing,i am only a free author in romance,it is my duty to write love story for all people to know,but i want to ask buddha what is the purpose i need to get to this world,if i can do what ever i want, i will choose my teacher at the first time?i can not be so rude to him,what if he slamp me?i hate people hit me most,so i will always remember the hatred in my mind,but as to him,i kind of soft minded,and i dont even hate him or dislike him.59
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what if he read all over my blog,would i be studied by any profeesional writer?60
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finally,he give me a bolly and bold dream,i am traped in the hospital,that is a sign he find me to be,but i am being prophet that in the future i will have a good life,and have concret power,so why not forget about the nightmare,and enjoy my life just now.(end)
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